Friday, January 20, 2012
Okay, so I will upload a video later. I just need to vent a little. I don't know why but I am mega sad right now. I mean, I don't know if it's depression, I think it's just sadness. I have a friend who made me make a promise not to hurt myself in any way. Because the night that he said that I had ended up hurting myself while he was standing there, he just didn't know it because he had his back turned. I took a pen cap and tore part of it off to make something sharp and when I wasn't chewing on it or the pen to calm my nerves I would scratch the shit out of my arm to where it was just red and purple. It didn't do major damage, it just put a huge mark on my arm for about 10 minutes. It calmed me. Well, I ended up crying that night right in front of him and just flat out told him, "Sometimes I want to hurt myself. I'm sad, and I don't know why. People ask why and I don't have the answers for it." Which is true. Sometimes I just want to hurt to hell out of myself and not give a shit who see's it because it helps calm me. That's why I'm chewing on a safety pin right now is because I want to hurt myself but I can't. I know I am better than that. I used to have a bad thing about harming myself everyday. I would cut everyday just like someone would brush their teeth. I remember I would go to school with my arm full of cuts one after another and have my sleeves rolled up just to see who would notice. I eventually got send to a behavioral rehabilitation center near me. Ten days of my life were lived there. It sucked but it also helped for some time until real life came back and hit me in the face. I do have a few scars. Nothing to bad though. Small white ones you can see on a summer day after I have sweated. They turn like pink. I have one on each thigh where the blade dropped twice on them. I think the dumbest thing I did was cut my leg up badly and wore a dress the next day. I forgot I had did that. I think I just enjoy the pain. I mean, I do enjoy that type of pain. That is why I like piercings. It is a pain. I like being scratched and roughed up when with a guy, it is pain and I enjoy it. But...like I have said, it helped calm me when stressed. Right now..I sort of just want to just do a small cut on my leg...but I promised...and that kills me.